letter to my future-self.

dear future kalie,

i don't really know when you will remember to read this. if you're still at all much like your twenty-four year old self, one of two outcomes are possible:
one) you are still exceedingly impatient, and will read this in six months and will agonize over what you have and have not done in that amount of time. look, i don't like stressing you (us) out like that. perhaps i have selfish motives in this all, but really i want for you to be inflicted with as little anxiety as possible. it's because i care. so, if this is the case, i'm telling you now - just cool it, okay. you're fine. tuck this back away into the archives for another, like, five years, and then we can talk.
two) you will forget entirely for about a decade and then, well, that's so long from now, so we'll just hope that you're doing well, whatever that means, because who knows if you will even be able to find this. ten years is so long, i don't even know if the internet will be a thing or not anymore.

all things considered, i will henceforth be addressing specifically thirty-year-old me.

anyways, thirty-year-old kalie, in writing this i'm not going to pretend like i have it all figured out. you won't be finding a wealth of wisdom here, but i hope to sensitively, and gently, remind you of a few things. things that maybe you have forgotten, and for the things that have been difficult, i hope to offer some encouragement and a tender push back onto your life-path.

i hope, firstly, that william shakespurr is alive and well. and may your patience be ever renewed for his ornery antics. and i sincerely hope that by now you have figured out to put your damn yarn away if you don't want it all over your house for the sixteeth-bazillionth time.

obviously, i am curious about your relationship status. are you...in one? dating? dare i ask, married?? i am a little afraid the answer to this next one, but i have to know - single? and if the latter is the case, how many cats do you have? woman, i swear, i know we agreed that the cats were plan b, but please tell me william is one of no more than three. four tops. it's not too late for you, you know. so get out there! but, in all truth, whatever your status is, i just hope you are happy. that's important. if you are still a single cat lady, please know that i am not judging you. if you are happy, then more power to you, girlfriend. and if you aren't happy, then make some changes. do not - i repeat, DO NOT, be a wallower.  sitting on your ass watching bright star over and over and eating mexican food and soy ice cream will not be the answer to your problems. instead, set some goals and work on achieving them.

such as...

your education. have you finished school by now? have you even gone BACK to school by now? truly, i am trying to work some of that out for you now so you don't have to worry about it, but come on - we both know us. it's a very real possibility that you are still working on that degree. if so, i am terribly sorry. that sucks for you. good luck.

also, how were those travels? you've gone on them, right? by now you better have been to at least one or more of the following: england, scottland, italy, iceland, greece or germany. new zealand would also be acceptable, as well as pretty much anywhere in south america. or, you know what, if nothing else, please be a well-seasoned traveler of canada.

there's no point in even assuming that you are more organized and fond of cleaning than i am, so all i am going to say is please do not let this letter find you as a person who's life resembles that of the people on hoarders. that is all.

i really have a hard time imagining that you are a mother by now, but stranger things have happened. remember everything you have learned as a nanny. remember the good and the not so good. remember that kids, while a joy and all that, are freaking a lot of work. TRUST ME, future me, i know what i am talking about. so, if you are still childless, take heart. when your ovaries/adoptive heartstrings are throbbing because all of your friends have babies all over the place, just remember that you still get to sleep through the night.

all the thirty years olds i know are pretty spectacular and none have i met has forgotten how to have fun and enjoy life. so maybe i shouldn't worry about you, but i know me, and i know that i am half-way to being a hermit. so i am telling you, and i couldn't be more serious here so listen, that you better be putting some ounce of effort into not being a total recluse. i am trying really really hard right now to be somewhat of a social being, so you are obligated to do the same. for reals, i am counting on you. don't let me down, future kalie.

i also hope that you are still doing the things that bring you joy; writing poetry, reading good written words, crocheting, painting, creating. are you? i know that sometimes it is really easy to fall into a funk and forget to do these things. i know that sometimes life gets really busy, or really heartbreaking,  and it can be easy to lose yourself. i hope you haven't lost your(our)self. that would be a shame. if upon reading this you realize that maybe that is you, then i dare you to pick up a paintbrush. scribble in a journal. make a scarf. something, just something. it will be good for your soul, i promise.

furthermore, i hope you have found contentment with yourself. not indifference or settling for less than, but true acceptance of you (us). of who you are, of who i am. forgiving yourself for the wrongs you've done, and being free of shame. of being free of (most of) your insecurities. maybe you have new ones by now, but the ones i have now in the present (your past)? yeah, i hope those have been conquered. you are loved, you are are valued, and your body is fine just the way it is.

are you still living out the important things a person can be? above beauty and vanity, are you loving and kind and compassionate? are you thoughtful, respectful, honest and sincere? are you selfless, giving? are you patient and merciful? are you humble? do you stand up in the face of injustice? do you speak out for and support equality among people? are you courageous and do the right thing, even when it is scary? i hope so. i know you aren't perfect, i don't ever expect you to be. i know you couldn't possibly be 100 percent of those things 100 percent of the time. but all those qualities? they are what i always hoped i would have. they are what i hope for now. they are what i strive for. i hope you are still doing the same. if so, you are a woman i am thankful and proud to be.

love, 24-year-old kalie.

p.s. i may be wrong to guess that technology in your day and age has not yet accomplished time travel, but if this is an incorrect assumption, then i ask you this: maybe help a sister out and consider visiting and warning me of any catastrophic events, bad relationships, unwise hair-cut decisions, and perhaps clue me in on some winning lottery numbers. i'm not even saying it has to be a really big lottery, even one of the smaller ones would be fine. thank you.

*** 

black ribbon

flicker, flitter, flutter down

bounded with its grip around

wrists, 

tethering.

what can you see?

via

a wee poem by kalie morell.

do you ever wonder? 

do you ever dream?

do you ever ponder?

and see not all is what it seems?

did you picture it different?

did you imagine more?

did you desire merit?

praise and prizes galore?

do you have many faces?

do you play the part?

different times and places,

programmed from the start?

sometimes i am zesty.

sometimes i'm more demure.

sometimes i get testy.

but one part of me endures.

the part that feels unstable.

the part that feels unsure.

the part that feels unable.

the part that huddles on the floor.

the part that points the blame.

the part that shakes and quivers.

the part that's shrouded in shame.

the part that's rocked in shivers.

why does that part hold on?

why is that side still here?

when it's already been taken upon?

when it's no longer mine to bear?

thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. it is funny, not in the laughing way, that certain parts of us linger around when we believed they had already gone away.  you know how it goes, we push out old unwanted parts of us to bring in better, healthier, wiser new parts, but sometimes we realize that we haven't taken out the old parts, we just stuffed down the new ones on top of them. it's like changing the soil in a flower pot. the flower will be sad if you just sprinkle new dirt and stuff on top, because its roots are still suffocating in the old, dry, parched soil. now, i am no herbologist, but i think that this metaphor makes sense in the context of this situation. anyhow, i am just thinking. and this silly little poem is what came out of it this morning. 

if she could have one thing right at that moment, her choice would undoubtedly be a pillow pressed against her open mouth where her piercing scream could flood and be caught in it's cotton weave, rather than her poor throat where the tension had taken to choking her. yes, a pillow; and it would become all-knowing, catching every truth that she wanted no one else to hear; (they don't get the screams, they only get the whispers.) in that scream will fly out the trapped horrors within, the fiends tearing the gentle fabric of her being; (she is a nice girl. everyone knows that.) like a wet towel being wrung out, she will drain herself of every pressed smile, every feeling of doubt, every bruising glance and word, every pent-up monster that had no escape; until that pillow.

Random and kind of dark, I know. This is the kind of writing that is produced on a bad day. But really this could be anyone-- anyone who has ever felt trapped, anyone who has ever felt misunderstood, anyone who has ever just...had a bad day. It means a lot of things, I guess.  This is the epitome of the old me, the girl who struggled to keep everything inside, the girl who always felt alone, who could never fully be myself.  Now, I am not that girl; some days she visits me, and I forget that I'm not her. But mostly, she stays far away and I like it that way; I remember that I am a new person-- literally; a new person in Christ. He has saved me, renewed me. I am never alone, even especially on the bad, scream-into-your-pillow days.

a narrow space

 (source)

You know those seasons in life where you just feel overwhelmed all the time by everything, and it seems like everything that could possibly be posing any trial, is? When you are kind of pushed to your limits?  I don't think I'm in one of those.  Actually I definitely know so, because I've been there and know the difference. It's quite a big difference.  But lately I've been battling some old lies-- things that haven't bothered me in a long time. And there's a lot on my mind. It's nothing severe.. if anything it's just kind of annoying, you know?

This next little piece is a sonnet I wrote  in the midst of one of those difficult seasons. I think I have posted it up here before, when I first wrote it, but this time around it means something else entirely.  It is kind of a hopeful piece to me; I can see the difference from then and now, and know that I've grown and learned and overcome, and can do so again.

This season's heavy, I know; I know.

Backbones breaking beneath the strain.

Thinks you, 'save that amendful tone.'

From happy composure thy do refrain.

These portions with daggers-- they lacerate.

Clawing, digging, pulling delicate parts

of your soul; there looks no end in sight

Then bottom-rocks you hit, and clouds part

Not far, nor wide; a narrow space

Forth light illumining thy darkest corner

Gazing through is love's true face

And sudden the storm turns far calmer

He is the one Constant on whom to depend.

This season is long, but will come to an end.

This was totally not meant to be a downer, especially on this wonderful friday. Despite how I made it come across, I really am doing well, just have a bunch to think about.  Today, though, was a good day. I hope yours has been, too. 

Thank goodness for the weekend! What are your fun weekend plans?

make-a-goal monday!

Number 4 on my list. When the year turned 2010, I had made a resolution to myself-- I would pursue what I not only love to do, but what I also believe might be a gift God has given me: writing.  However, the only writing I've managed to complete thus far are a number of school essays (boooring!), and this blog.  While these in and of themselves are accomplishments, I have avoided exactly what I intended to do; lame!

While writing is something I have always loved, I have had a fear of delving into it, for some reason, and furthermore, a fear of sharing it with anyone else! I started this blog last July, and it was only a few months ago that I really started sharing it with anyone. I guess for me, writing and sharing what I write is a very vulnerable thing to do.  However, I am a firm believer in sharing the talents you have with other people to bless them:  Maybe you are a talented musician/singer. Maybe you are really good at decorating. Maybe you're good at cooking. Or teaching! Or organizing! Or painting! Each and every talent a person has can be used to bless others, and you never know when it may mean a lot to someone when you share your gift!  For instance, I seriously have no talent or inclination whatsoever at being organized; I am terrible. But  I LOVE organized friends! They are so helpful. So, while these next couple weeks are going to be chaos due to finals, I am resolving to make time for some writing, and see where it leads me..! 

How about you? What wonderful things are you good at? How can you use them? It would be so fun to share them..!

Anyways! On a completely new note, yesterday I had an itch to go to Goodwill and see if I could find some treasures..

..and I found the best things ever!

 

 

A picnic basket! I have always wanted a picnic basket. Mmm, picnics! And I love my new shoes. I would like to wear them to a picnic. And a teacup and saucer!--who doesn't love a cute teacup and saucer?? (Also on my list is to expand my teacup collection, so, SCORE!)

I hope you have a great, blues-free, wonderful Monday!