what it is like to be a real life wallflower

this post is about two stories. mine, and a book.

if you haven't read the book, you have at least maybe probably heard its name before: "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. it was a teen anthem in novel form in the nineties - you know, when young adult fiction was still respectable. recently it was adapted into a movie, both screenplay and direction in the hands of mr. chbosky himself. it was done beautifully. if you have not had the privilege of being exposed to one or both forms of this same story, then i suggest it wholeheartedly.

i think everyone who reads the book is able to take away something personal to them and their own story. i felt like i could identify with charlie, the protagonist, in many ways.

he, if you haven't gathered already, is the wallflower the title is referring to. a high school freshman, charlie is nervous, reserved, friendless, and has a past of emotional instability. just as the story is reminding me how much of a hellhole high school really is, things begin looking up for charlie when he meets new friends - senior friends - who take charlie under their wings and introduce him to all the new experiences adolescent life has to offer.

although charlie opens up and little by little overcomes his shyness, he is still the ever observant and internalizing being that i know all too well.

there is this conversation that takes place in the book between charlie and his favorite teacher:
"Do you always think this much, Charlie?" 
"Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.
"Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."
"Is that bad?"
"Yes."

that is absolutely, perfectly, unquestionably me. i have stated before that i am the very definition of an introverted person. for the longest time of my life the first and only observation others made upon meeting me was that i was a quiet girl. and well, that is pretty accurate, mostly. unless i am around one of the handful of individuals that have been patient long enough to know the real me, i am very reserved. especially if i am in a group of people, and even more so if those people are strangers. you may very well forget i am even there. i am pretty sure i have improved in my age. any shyness seen in me now was that times forty when i was younger. and, well, i'm friendly and all. i know how to make decent small talk, and be nice and everything. but, just for example's sake, my senior year of high school i was voted in as "most shy." it's not really necessary, i don't think, to explain how horrific that it was for that category to even exist, and how mortifying it was to be voted for it.

my shyness was rivaled only by my awkward appearance/sense of style

grade 11, circa 2005 - emo eyeliner/black hair combo ftw!

but here's the thing: sometimes it's hard for me to recognize that i am not really engaging. let me explain what i mean. i can be in a group setting with people who i am enjoying very much. i will listen to all the things they say, all the jokes made. i will smile and/or laugh at all the appropriate times - and not because i should, but because i really am smiling and/or laughing at the funny and/or lovely things being said. i feel really engaged, you know? i am immersed in the moment. but what i sometimes forget in the moment is this: just because i feel connected to others does not mean that they feel connected to me, too. they cannot read my thoughts and know i am fully there in mind and spirit as well as body. and, well, i also do something else. i will listen to multiple conversations at a time. since technically i am not in a conversation, i will often focus on two or three. not in a creepy, eavesdropping way. they are right there, aloud for all to hear. but i will listen to these interactions, and i will watch the people having them. i can see when someone feels uncomfortable, or tired. i can see when someone feels uncertain, or insecure. i can see when someone has a lot of things on his or her mind. i can see when someone is being sincere. it's the way their faces make expressions, especially their eyes, or little movements of their mouths. it's the way they move themselves, the way they hold their arms and such. and so, i can walk away from an event and feel like i experienced so many things, and as others see me go they wonder if i had any fun. i know they wonder this, because i am often asked it. 

college freshman, circa 2007 - age 19; just, you know, sitting in a chair in the pool by myself.

college sophomore, circa 2008 - age 20 

there is a line in the book, spoken by charlie's friend, patrick: "He's a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.”

in my lifetime of standing by the wayside, i have noticed a few things about people and life in general. and those things are like this:

-people who are upset about something usually don't want input or opinions from other people. they mostly just want someone to listen. unless they specifically ask otherwise. 

-if you smile enough at a seemingly grumpy person and are nice enough, then they often loosen up. sometimes not, but it's always worth a try. 

-if someone is sitting by themselves at a party or event, it's not because they want to be alone. if they wanted to be alone, they wouldn't be there at all. saying hi to them, and maybe sitting with them will almost assuredly make them feel really good.

-remembering names is not a difficult thing to do. people are always saying "i am so bad at remembering names." well, everyone says that. but i don't think that is really a thing, unless you are a person who has actual memory problems in your brain. i have a secret to share: if you tell yourself and the new person you meet that you will remember their name, you will. saying that you are bad at names is an excuse to forget. use that persons name a few times in conversation. it just works. but you have to choose to make it work. sometimes you will still forget, or accidently get it wrong. but it happens far less. 

-everybody holds the immense power of making another person feel stupid or judged. being silly and playful and slightly sarcastic, in the appropriate degree and context, are fine things to be. but it's really easy to push someone too far. also, attitude and tone of voice can be dangerous weapons when not observed carefully. i have seen so many people ask questions or answer questions wrong, and then made out to be stupid for asking/answering wrong. why do people do this? i don't know. it doesn't make anyone feel good. 

-often, people don't try very hard to makes outsiders feel included. it's common for people to be nice initially, but have absolutely no follow through. and as long as a person feels comfortable and has companionship, there is very little motivation to reach out to new people. i don't understand this, either. 

there is more, i am sure. i have been observing for a long, long time.

anywho, i don't really know if i had just one point or lots of points to share today. but maybe you should read the book. it's a really good book.

24th birthday, may 5, 2012 - pike place market

***

more quotes from the book i like a lot:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

“It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.” 

“I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people 'participate.'”

“I just want you to know that you’re very special… and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has.” 

“You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.”

“It's strange to describe reading a book as a really great experience, but that's kind of how it felt.”

make new friends, and keep the old

etsy:here

Last week I had a much needed and long overdue phone-date with one of my best friends, Kelly. Now here's what you should know about Kelly: she's freaking awesome.  Seriously, one of the funnest and nicest people you could ever know.  And I am so blessed to know her.  Being acutely aware of her degree of awesomeness and friendship powers, however, is what made the topic of our conversation so unbelievable: making friends is hard, man. She wrote an amazing and heartfelt post here on the topic. I then read a follow-up post written by another wonderful lady who joined in on the conversation.


So it's safe to conclude here that friendships are incredibly meaningful to each and every one of us and we have all had our fair share of trials and triumphs in this area.  From day one in our lives, we crave relationships and need those special bonds that tie us to others.  Toddlers recognize friends.  I remember friends dating back to kindergarten (and have even kept a very special one from that time - holla, Melon!) Disappointments I felt in friendships from elementary school still affect me today.  My almost complete lack of friends in middle school (i.e. Hell), save one, still impact my self-esteem.  Some of my most formative and impactful friendships occured during high school.  


When I was really young, I had such resilience.  It was so easy for me to bask in the rays of sunshine and  joy and rainbows and all that.  Although I was always on the shy side, and incredibly sensitive to injustice and down-right meanness, I found solace in the sweet little sheltered world I resided in.  As I got older though, I realized more and more that not everyone is full of love and not everyone wanted to be your BFF.  Whaaa..? Nevertheless, I managed to find some real gems in the friend department.  I didn't need a lot, only a couple of close, special ones.  That's all that mattered to me, and those friends I carry in my heart and always will.  


I never had to be the new girl before.  Well I have, in a small-scale way, but new school? New neighborhood? New town? No, never.  I grew up in the same house all my life, grew up with the same classmates.  And then I moved a year ago.  To a new state.  Away from everyone I love and all that was familiar (except for E; I don't know what i'd so without her). And for the first time, I had to learn how to start from scratch.  I knew my friends were still there for me, just a phone call/text/email away - but sometimes you just need someone to hug, you know? Or stuff your faces with junk food, or watch cheesy movies with, or car-jam to Pat Benetar with, or you know, look at face to face.  


I was determined, though, and so was Elise.  We made it a mission to venture out into the world of Seattle and by golly, make us some friends! We became a kind-of task force with our weapons of kindness and charm and free-food-at-our-place.  We really tried hard. And you know what? We met some great incredible people.  People who are intelligent, funny, generous, and kind.  For them, we are so thankful.  I had to step out of my comfort zone like never before and demolish my box of security that I lived in.  It's been 11 months, and the first 6 were super painful. I was miserable. By the 8 month mark, I was finally beginning to feel at home. And now, I am still struggling, sometimes discouraged, but mostly a LOT better...I have come a long way.


Here's the thing though- once you go out and meet people, what happens next? How do you cross that gap between acquaintance-land and friend-for-life? You'd think by 23, I'd know by now.  I mean, it's happened before, and I still don't know how it happens.  Doh.  It makes me think, am I just totally inept at this? Am I broken? Is what I have to offer not appealing? Back to my conversation with Kelly: we had an epiphany.  See, she has of late been wondering the same thing.  We were not alone.  Why is this such a common dilemma? I already told you, Kelly is awesome. Anyone who wouldn't want to be her friend is legitimately an insane person and is totally missing out.  And if she is my friend, along with every other unbelievably awesome person who is my friend (and they all are), then I must tentatively conclude that I....maybe...perhaps...am O.K. too? So what's the deal, then? If everyone I know has this desire for close, bonding, meaningful relationships in their lives, then why are they so hard to form? 


I have a couple inklings:

1.) It's this age group.  Mid to late twenty somethings have so much on their plates. They are in grad-school, they have careers, they are getting married, they are popping out babies, etc.  Oh my gosh, they are super-people.  I don't know how they handle it. They amaze me and are my heroes. I don't do any of these things.  I mean, I have a job, but other than that I am probably the least busy out of anyone I know.  So yeah, I can see how that would make it hard to dedicate a lot of time to coffee-dates and toe-nailing painting parties and the like.  

2.) People are already established.  They already have friends.  It's not that they are not interested in you, or that they don't like you, but their lives and friendship circles have been in the works for years and are pretty functional as they are.  They are not out looking for new additions.  That's not to say they won't accept you - gosh, please don't hear me saying that.  They are nice, not rude.  But let's be honest, the new person has a lot more motivation to put themselves out there.  

3.) Walls of vulnerability and circles of trust are hella hard to break through.  Because every person in this world has faced hurt and disappointment and broken relationships at some point in their life, it makes it really hard to open up completely to another new person whom you know nothing about and had just popped up in your world and is all, "Hey wanna be BFFs and share everything?!!!!" Actually, I don't ever say that to anyone, ever.  Sometimes I think it, though.... Anyways, to be completely serious, this is a real and honest struggle that a lot of people face.  And I totally get it.  It's a scary thing to be vulnerable with someone new.  

And on top of all of that, I know that for me, I have my own roadblocks getting in the way.  I am a very introverted person.  I have a hard time being completely myself around new people.  My personality is misconstrued by many, I fear.  And sheesh, I know I'm not alone in that, everyone has been misunderstood before.  In both Kelly and Emily's posts, they mentioned that their fear is that they "talk too much" (which they don't, BTW).  Mine is completely and utterly the opposite.  I undertalk. Yes, that's a new phrase we're gonna use here.  All my undertalking really interferes with the whole "getting-to-know-you" situation.  I am understanding that I am a difficult person to get to know.  And I hate that, because I totally don't mean to be that way. That is the opposite of what I wish to be, actually.  And then I have this thing where when I do open my mouth and say something, I get all self-concious and word-vomit something I don't even mean to say and then I'm all...what the hell? Why did I say that? Gooosh. And maybe I shouldn't worry so much or be so self-concious, because in all honesty, I am am outrageously hard on myself.  But still. That's what I'm dealing with.




All this to say, if you reading this are struggling in this area, take heart. You're not alone.  We all face it in different ways, and we each have our own unique struggles and insecurities in the midst of it, but it's real to us all.  It's hard for us all.  Friendships are so important.  I am so thankful for the close, dear friends I have. And you know what else, I am SO thankful for all the new and beginning friendships I have, as well! I did not intend, at any point in this post, to say that I do not appreciate the precious and new friends and acquaintances I have here in Seattle.  Oh man, you all are so wonderful.  I can't wait to continue getting to know you.  I am making a vow that I will try even harder and pursue you even more because you are important to me. And I look forward to the journey we have ahead of us.  And if we are meant to stay acquaintances, I am thankful for that as well.  You still play a vital role in my life.  To those friends back home, thank you for who you are and for always being there. I miss you, and cannot wait to see you again.  To those friends I've lost touch with over the years, you still hold a special place in my heart and I would not be who I am without you.  To my bloggy-reader friends, I cannot tell you how much you encourage and uplift me.  Thank you for reading my words, for being patient with me when I am not able to connect with you often, and for sharing your wisdom, talent, and heart in your own blogs.  


If you've sat through this, thank you.  I encourage you to join the conversation, share your experience.  Please feel free to comment, email, or write your own post on the topic.  Let me know if you do so, I want to make sure to read it! 


And lastly - I encourage you to reach out.  Maybe you are in the process of trying to make friends; don't give up. Even when you're feeling most discouraged, know you're not alone and keep pushing on.  If you are the established one, if you have your best friends, if you are thriving where you are, PLEASE look around you.  Invite someone new.  Lend out a hand.  I guarantee, someone will really appreciate it because you are probably awesome and you will be doing the world a favor by sharing your awesome-self! 

the day we almost had sunshine

We took the bus downtown to Pike Place market the other day to buy some flowers. I didn't know where to put the money on the bus and got really flustered and found myself apologizing to the driver, "I'm sorry, I just don't do this often!" doh.

But after that was sorted out and I learned that the dollar bills indeed need to be inserted into the slot that has the little money sign, it turned out to be a very fun trip in and we found a beautiful bouquet for only five dollars, and now it sits pretty on our dining room table. 

New, exciting developments are in store, but I won't get into them now; I have news to share soon, though! I'll leave with that. Have a wonderful night! (or morning, or afternoon).

No I'm not dead; I'm here and another year older!

So much has happened these past couple months that I'm not even quite sure where to begin. But I will say this; this chapter in my life, like each before it, has proven to be full, colorful, and surprising. 

A couple weeks ago, I celebrated my 23rd birthday. Twenty-three. That's the last number before you're officially in your mid-twenties. Weird. Anyways, there really isn't a way to describe my thankfulness that does it any justice; I feel confident saying that I have the best friend and roommate anyone could ask for, and have made some incredible friends who have made Seattle something like home.  

First, we dined at an amazing sushi restaurant that was made complete by the lit-up cherry blossom tree towering over the bar. Amazing, right?

Lover of sushi that I am, dinner with friends was enough to fill my heart with joy. Little did I know, waiting me at home, was a surprise party! My very first one. It was kind of perfect.

I miss home so much, especially on such an occasion. But I was overwhelmed with love that night.  So many loving hands put together that party and I am so thankful to each and every person who made my birthday away from home a wonderful celebration. To me, it was really more of a celebration of how far I've come these past nine months and of the life God has so gracefully provided for me here. 

Hope to be back soon, I don't plan on being away so long again! In any case, I hope you are all doing well. Tell me what's new! And what was your favorite birthday ever?

Addressing the fabulous and fails

Two-thousand-eleven and it's ups and downs thus far...

 

In a personal creativity crisis, I was able to do some soul searching (and reading a lovely little number called War of Art) and rediscovered my love for poetry after a months long hiatus. Fabulous!

But I have yet to write anything. Fail.


I have been actively making an effort to eat healthier and take care of myself, and for the first few weeks felt fabulous. I am choosing to discount this week of mad feeding frenzy failure that resulted me eating approximately my body weight in sugar-infused foods. And the fact that I crave more even as I type this.


I had every intention of being a dutiful pen-pal and mailer of all sorts which was a fabulous plan.  However, it is February, and I have yet to send my sister's birthday card from November, and my dad's from last month and ANY letters at all. Failing.


Thanks to Netflix instant watch, my roommate Elise and I have finally jumped onto the "Lost" bandwagon (just a couple years late), which is fabulous in it's own way, I suppose. However, the late night marathons have resulted in sleepy mornings and severe stress. Which is kind of a fail, since that's the last thing I need. But seriously, "Lost" writers, what the hell were you thinking...are you legitimately insane people? I am riddled with anxiety. And a little bit addicted.  But please, if you've seen it, DON'T GIVE AWAY ANYTHING! 




I finally learned how to knit. Fab.


I am becoming lazier by the day concerning my outward appearance and have accepted that I am just not one of those girls who can pull off super cute and put together all the time. I am destined to don baby drool and food stains on a daily basis. Fail for my hygiene, but kind of fabulous that I can embrace my fate. And I will allow myself a  little extra fabulousness points for mastering the art of cutting my own hair, because I am too broke to pay for it. 


However the most fabulous so far, I would have to say, is the prospect of some really wonderful new friendships here.  It is good.


And further fabulosity is the grace that God has had for me in every fail, every shortcoming, and the lessons I am learning in this chaotic time in my life.

stringing popcorn is harder than you'd think

Is anyone else's head spinning from the whirlwind of time that just swept by these past weeks? Somewhat sadly I am finding time slipping faster and faster through my fingers, and have few things left in my hands to show for it.  Good news is, the weeks leading into December have found our home decorated in a fabulously Christmassy manner and bare trees that stood like  wiry, silhouetted giants against the SNOW we experienced Thanksgiving week. Snow.

 (If you wanna make a fun and fabulous wreath, you too can follow these easy steps found here!)

Holiday joy aside, I have found myself thinking critically of what I am really doing with my life and the precious time I have been blessed with. A question that has floated into my head lately is, "How long have I been so self-centered?"  Every time I find myself stressed or worried (which is bad enough) it seems to always be about myself (which is worse).  While I believe it's important to assess our lives and behaviors and choices, there is a line that gets crossed into the world of selfishness and conceit.  I think with the nearing Christmas holiday approaching, this idea has pressed on me even more.  The renowned season for giving has made me feel convicted of my lacking. I realized the other day that for the three months I have been in Seattle, I have been proactive for no cause other than my own.  I think back to pre-move, and all the ideas that danced in my head about the opportunities awaiting me here and all the plans God had in store for me.  I know He still has those plans.  I know there are plenty of opportunities. But I have taken none.  I have sought out nothing.  


Make-a-Goal Monday...Goal:  Seek out an opportunity to serve, give, and bless others.  


Elise and I met a very nice girl at a coffee/chocolate shop the other day (yes, such a heavenly place exists.) When we noticed she was knitting a scarf, our inquiries led to a conversation where we learned of a knitting group she started for a good cause.  This weekend, we are donating hand-made scarves to a woman's shelter.  I love this idea and this girl for her generous idea.  It made me think -- I know there are SO many creative and loving people in this blog world...together, we could impact so many people's lives by participating in something resembling this cause! If you feel inspired, I encourage you to also hand-make or donate old scarves (or any clothes) that you no longer wear! There are so many people in need all over the world, and I think we can all make a big difference!


I hope you all are having a great Monday, friends!

we'll start living

I am back from an accidental hiatus, the kind that just kind of happen when  life decides to make you all busy and also your computer isn't working.  I can happily report that this past month has brought me some real joys such as the fort that has taken over our living room and from which I am writing this post.  I have also had some visitors from the southwest who brought me more happiness than I can say! And I am an eager member of the Harry Potter  community group from my church; a place where it is acceptable to be obsessed with the Boy Who Lived and know the rules of Quidditch and crochet Gryffindor scarves and then wear those scarves and count down to the premiere of the Deathly Hallows Pt 1 (appx. 3 days and 6.5 hours) and totally not be judged. Yeah.

 Unfortunately, the good often accompanies the less than pleasant, and I have found myself in the midst of some sorrows as well.I have felt the pains of homesickness for both my family and friends.  I have fought the insecurities that won't stop gnawing at me.  I have learned that budgeting is way harder than it sounds like. I missed my sister's 20th birthday (Happy Birthday, Shelby!). And most recently, my heart broke over the news that my sweet kitty cat, Buttons, passed away this past weekend, and I couldn't be there to say good bye.  

I love you, my sweet girl. 

Growing up, I always had a feeling that being an adult would kind of suck.  Not all the time. But still.  I was never in a rush to grow up.  But now that the time is here, I can only do my best with what I have and the resources and blessings that have been provided for me.  I refuse to give up or deny my responsibilities. But seriously though, can I take a break? A nap time from life? Okay.

OH! So I almost forgot; today is Monday and I realize it's been FOREVER since I have made a goal, but that is going to change right now. For this week's edition of make-a-goal monday, I would like to pledge myself to find the bright side of everything that happens this week.  My plan is not to live in denial, but there are perks to being an optimist. Here's to a glass-half-full kind of week. 

I hope you are all well! Happy Monday.

...Oh. And P.S. Get excited.

maybe i'll just start something new

[disclaimer: This post is quite lengthy, so feel no obligation to read it. However, if you choose to read this post, you will get a little insight into my heart and some lessons I have learned as of late...]

If you have been around my blog for any amount of time whatsoever, you know that I have recently made a big move across the country to a new state, a new climate, a new home, a new everything.  I may not have really stressed the point before, but that is a big deal in my life and personal journey. I have never done anything so extreme in my life, and the fact that I am even here right now, four weeks into my new northwest existence, is still mind boggling to me.  Perhaps such a move is no big deal to some of my more adventurous readers, but a change of such drastic proportions is so far out of my comfort box that it is almost out of my sight. I am on a hill far above my little box that is sitting snuggly in the valley, and I must use binoculars to see it.  Sometimes I want to lay down at the top of the hill and let myself roll down it, tumbling into the security of all I know to be familiar and safe, into the valley, out of sight. But here I am at the top, feeling exposed and vulnerable. 


If you have known me for a while, you will be aware of the fact that throughout my life, I have often been plagued with severe insecurity and doubts of self-worth.  Forever I have battled lies that have told me I am alone, ugly, stupid, unworthy, invaluable, and most unsettling-- unloveable. I have believed time and time again that I am a failure. I have believed that I am all alone. I have believed that I could never be worthy of respect and adoration.  While intellectually I am aware that these are blatant, sick, and horrible lies, my heart has often felt broken over these poisonous untruths, these evil daggers that have punctured my fragile self-esteem.  Over the past two years, I have received healing that has broken down walls that had been built in my soul in attempt to keep out the hurt.  I met and responded to the love of some incredible individuals and of God, and in turn grew into a stronger, wiser, and more confident young woman.  Two years ago, I would have cowered at the mere thought of moving 1000+ miles away from home.  I would have laughed at the smallest suggestion, shaking my head "no" vigorously.  There was no possible way I could have ever imagined it then.  So, to know that I am here now, at this point in my life, willing to face the unexpected, is a small miracle.  Incredibly terrifying, but amazing all the same.  


However, I have realized something in these past four weeks.  I have grasped the fact that I am on that hill, exposed and vulberable. And I feel it.  It is only within the last week or so that I have really begun to understand what is going on. I know why I freak out extra bad when I get lost on the road or fail at parallel parking.  I know now why I am feeling worse than usual about my body. I see now why I am having a difficult time being content in being single. I get it now why I fell into an emotional, tearful breakdown after my job interview when I felt just a little stupid.  My move, my being in a new place, my starting a new chapter, has left me feeling like the old me-- incredibly insecure. Insecure.  I am not in my same "safe" surroundings that I was back in Phoenix.  I am not surrounded by all my friends (although I know they are just a phone-call away, and although I have my amazing roommate/best friend -- love you all!)  I don't know my way around. I don't know people here. I am the new girl.  And I have become incredibly self-concious, letting some of those same old, gross lies creep back into my ears, seeping into my mind, invading my heart.   That clears up a lot.  I see it now.  


But I have also seen a few other things.  In my anxiousness to find peace and love and acceptance, I have forgotten my resposibility to being the vessel for those same exact things.  I have gotten so wrapped up in my own self that I have put some really important things on the back burner.  I just have to ask, how am I supposed to ever experience love and joy if I don't first pour out love and joy? How am I supposed to feel accepted if I don't first accept others? How am I supposed to feel support and encouragement when I am not even reaching out?  Instead of being to focused on myself, my attentions need to be shifted, my priorities refocused.  I have so much love in me.  And not my own love to give, but the love of God that has been given to me.  I have been shown remarkable grace and instead of shining the light of such glory, I have been hiding it, stifling it, keeping it to myself without even really accpeting it.  I don't want to be inherently selfish anymore, nor needy, impatient, unmerciful, unloving.  Instead, I want to be selfless, giving, patient, merciful, and overflowing with love.  I want to share it with those close to me, and those who are merely strangers.  I want to pour it into those who deserve it and those who don't, both those who are easy to love, and difficult.  I don't want to be self-absorbed anymore, whether it be negative thoughts or not.  Even self-deprication is rather self-absorbed.  
I have the desire to be the best of all that I can be and am; roommate, friend, daughter, employee, neighbor, driver, stranger passing on the street..everything.  I will not and cannot be perfect, but I want to give it my all. I want to be a shining light on the top of that hill. 

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Plug: One example of a great way to pour out love on others is a little mission called Love Bomb.  Every week, you're sent an email with a mission to give some loving words of encouragement to an individual in need of it.  Check it out! It is Love Bomb thursday today, and you can go here to visit this weeks recipient. 


Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you did.  Friends, I love you.  To those who I know personally, who are in Phoenix, I miss you; I think of you daily.  To those friends that make up this wonderful blogging world, you encourage and inspire me.  Love you all. 

(best roommate ever)

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"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

For someone who loves to write and is entranced by the written word, I am constantly frustrated at how hard I find it to put how I am feeling into words.  That's why I am so thankful for the genius of others and masterpieces such as You've Got Mail where I can garner bits of wisdom and put them on my blog so that others can read them and understand a little bit of the mess that is me.  Oi.  Sometimes I am weary from living vicariously through stories in books and movies and brave friends.  And yet, at the same time, I am terrified of having my own adventures, terrified I will fall short or crumble under the weight of the unknown.  Hmm, just a thought for the day...

At the expense of relating to a fictional character once again (although I can't really complain because Kathleen Kelly is awesome and who the heck wouldn't want to be her?!), maybe I will find myself a witty and adorable mystery man who also happens to be rich though I don't care with whom I correspond over email and meanwhile open my own book shop. Now that's a good sounding adventure. BEST PLAN EVER. 

raindrops falling on my head

The past many days in my life have accumulated into a raging whirlwind that have carried me up from the dry, hot southwest to the green and drizzly northwestern city of Seattle.  However, since my arrival, I've seen much more sunshine than drizzle, and besides a light rain yesterday, the only thing falling to the ground has been the ORANGE LEAVES tumbling from the trees and gathering under my feet to be CRUNCHED! 

However, in the midst of most major life events, some huge lessons are being learned. Among those, patience, humility, contentment, and trusting in the Lord to provide.  

Major hurdle #1: After reuniting with my friend and roommate Elise in Seattle off of a late departure flight, all I wanted to do was get some sleep so I would be prepared to settle in the following day when our friend Kyle arrived with Molly Belle (my car) which was filled to the brim with all my belongings. However, plans took a turn for the unexpected when at 5:15 IN THE MORNING we got a call from Kyle informing us that he had been pulled over, learned he had a suspended license he was unaware of, and Molly Belle was TOWED AND IMPOUNDED. Imprisoned little car. With all my things. 

I started bawling.  Elise and I were dumbfounded; how the HECK did this happen? Why?? That was one of the most miserable mornings EVER. My emotions were frantic. Mid-day the following day, I knew I needed to accept what happened and realize that new plans would have to be made. Things could have been so much worse, and we were so thankful that Kyle was ok and Molly wasn't crashed on the side of the road in a million pieces with my belongings being scavenged by squirrels and bears and such.  

In the days following, making up this past weekend, a few other events took place that caused me to question if perhaps I was cursed. Agnes (my sickly, old, crotchety laptop) fell into a coma.  My camera cord was discovered missing (which is why the pictures in this post are kind of crappy camera-phone pictures). I broke the shower (or so I thought; it turns out I was just inept, for Elise quickly and effortlessly made it work).  

But among the chaos, some real blessings have fell in my path, as well. I wonder, how many people are so lucky to have a friend willing to drive a carload of boxes across the country just because a friend was in need? Not many people are up to such a task, but Kyle not only was willing to help me, he also drove the huge moving truck Elise used in her moved six months ago.  I am so thankful for such a willing and good-hearted person. Because Kyle won't be bringing Molly though, my parents are on their way as I type. It will be nice to see them sooner than planned.  I have gotten to meet some lovely new friends introduced by Elise, with kind hearts that will undoubtedly prove to be kindred spirits.  I am IN LOVE with our apartment. And Elise and I have already enjoyed so much together as new roommates! Our weekend consisted of movie watching, walking, people-watching at the park, tea drinking, dressing up, music listening, puzzle solving, fish eating, and downtown exploring...

Cheers, to a new and exciting adventure!

(view from our bedroom window)

p.s. I am happy to report that this morning, I did NOT get lost coming home from the grocery store, and also, I PARALLEL PARKED for the first time in my life, all by myself. YES.