maybe i'll just start something new

[disclaimer: This post is quite lengthy, so feel no obligation to read it. However, if you choose to read this post, you will get a little insight into my heart and some lessons I have learned as of late...]

If you have been around my blog for any amount of time whatsoever, you know that I have recently made a big move across the country to a new state, a new climate, a new home, a new everything.  I may not have really stressed the point before, but that is a big deal in my life and personal journey. I have never done anything so extreme in my life, and the fact that I am even here right now, four weeks into my new northwest existence, is still mind boggling to me.  Perhaps such a move is no big deal to some of my more adventurous readers, but a change of such drastic proportions is so far out of my comfort box that it is almost out of my sight. I am on a hill far above my little box that is sitting snuggly in the valley, and I must use binoculars to see it.  Sometimes I want to lay down at the top of the hill and let myself roll down it, tumbling into the security of all I know to be familiar and safe, into the valley, out of sight. But here I am at the top, feeling exposed and vulnerable. 


If you have known me for a while, you will be aware of the fact that throughout my life, I have often been plagued with severe insecurity and doubts of self-worth.  Forever I have battled lies that have told me I am alone, ugly, stupid, unworthy, invaluable, and most unsettling-- unloveable. I have believed time and time again that I am a failure. I have believed that I am all alone. I have believed that I could never be worthy of respect and adoration.  While intellectually I am aware that these are blatant, sick, and horrible lies, my heart has often felt broken over these poisonous untruths, these evil daggers that have punctured my fragile self-esteem.  Over the past two years, I have received healing that has broken down walls that had been built in my soul in attempt to keep out the hurt.  I met and responded to the love of some incredible individuals and of God, and in turn grew into a stronger, wiser, and more confident young woman.  Two years ago, I would have cowered at the mere thought of moving 1000+ miles away from home.  I would have laughed at the smallest suggestion, shaking my head "no" vigorously.  There was no possible way I could have ever imagined it then.  So, to know that I am here now, at this point in my life, willing to face the unexpected, is a small miracle.  Incredibly terrifying, but amazing all the same.  


However, I have realized something in these past four weeks.  I have grasped the fact that I am on that hill, exposed and vulberable. And I feel it.  It is only within the last week or so that I have really begun to understand what is going on. I know why I freak out extra bad when I get lost on the road or fail at parallel parking.  I know now why I am feeling worse than usual about my body. I see now why I am having a difficult time being content in being single. I get it now why I fell into an emotional, tearful breakdown after my job interview when I felt just a little stupid.  My move, my being in a new place, my starting a new chapter, has left me feeling like the old me-- incredibly insecure. Insecure.  I am not in my same "safe" surroundings that I was back in Phoenix.  I am not surrounded by all my friends (although I know they are just a phone-call away, and although I have my amazing roommate/best friend -- love you all!)  I don't know my way around. I don't know people here. I am the new girl.  And I have become incredibly self-concious, letting some of those same old, gross lies creep back into my ears, seeping into my mind, invading my heart.   That clears up a lot.  I see it now.  


But I have also seen a few other things.  In my anxiousness to find peace and love and acceptance, I have forgotten my resposibility to being the vessel for those same exact things.  I have gotten so wrapped up in my own self that I have put some really important things on the back burner.  I just have to ask, how am I supposed to ever experience love and joy if I don't first pour out love and joy? How am I supposed to feel accepted if I don't first accept others? How am I supposed to feel support and encouragement when I am not even reaching out?  Instead of being to focused on myself, my attentions need to be shifted, my priorities refocused.  I have so much love in me.  And not my own love to give, but the love of God that has been given to me.  I have been shown remarkable grace and instead of shining the light of such glory, I have been hiding it, stifling it, keeping it to myself without even really accpeting it.  I don't want to be inherently selfish anymore, nor needy, impatient, unmerciful, unloving.  Instead, I want to be selfless, giving, patient, merciful, and overflowing with love.  I want to share it with those close to me, and those who are merely strangers.  I want to pour it into those who deserve it and those who don't, both those who are easy to love, and difficult.  I don't want to be self-absorbed anymore, whether it be negative thoughts or not.  Even self-deprication is rather self-absorbed.  
I have the desire to be the best of all that I can be and am; roommate, friend, daughter, employee, neighbor, driver, stranger passing on the street..everything.  I will not and cannot be perfect, but I want to give it my all. I want to be a shining light on the top of that hill. 

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Plug: One example of a great way to pour out love on others is a little mission called Love Bomb.  Every week, you're sent an email with a mission to give some loving words of encouragement to an individual in need of it.  Check it out! It is Love Bomb thursday today, and you can go here to visit this weeks recipient. 


Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you did.  Friends, I love you.  To those who I know personally, who are in Phoenix, I miss you; I think of you daily.  To those friends that make up this wonderful blogging world, you encourage and inspire me.  Love you all.