Wednesday, October 10

letter to my future-self.

dear future kalie,

i don't really know when you will remember to read this. if you're still at all much like your twenty-four year old self, one of two outcomes are possible:
one) you are still exceedingly impatient, and will read this in six months and will agonize over what you have and have not done in that amount of time. look, i don't like stressing you (us) out like that. perhaps i have selfish motives in this all, but really i want for you to be inflicted with as little anxiety as possible. it's because i care. so, if this is the case, i'm telling you now - just cool it, okay. you're fine. tuck this back away into the archives for another, like, five years, and then we can talk.
two) you will forget entirely for about a decade and then, well, that's so long from now, so we'll just hope that you're doing well, whatever that means, because who knows if you will even be able to find this. ten years is so long, i don't even know if the internet will be a thing or not anymore.

all things considered, i will henceforth be addressing specifically thirty-year-old me.

anyways, thirty-year-old kalie, in writing this i'm not going to pretend like i have it all figured out. you won't be finding a wealth of wisdom here, but i hope to sensitively, and gently, remind you of a few things. things that maybe you have forgotten, and for the things that have been difficult, i hope to offer some encouragement and a tender push back onto your life-path.

i hope, firstly, that william shakespurr is alive and well. and may your patience be ever renewed for his ornery antics. and i sincerely hope that by now you have figured out to put your damn yarn away if you don't want it all over your house for the sixteeth-bazillionth time.

obviously, i am curious about your relationship status. are one? dating? dare i ask, married?? i am a little afraid the answer to this next one, but i have to know - single? and if the latter is the case, how many cats do you have? woman, i swear, i know we agreed that the cats were plan b, but please tell me william is one of no more than three. four tops. it's not too late for you, you know. so get out there! but, in all truth, whatever your status is, i just hope you are happy. that's important. if you are still a single cat lady, please know that i am not judging you. if you are happy, then more power to you, girlfriend. and if you aren't happy, then make some changes. do not - i repeat, DO NOT, be a wallower.  sitting on your ass watching bright star over and over and eating mexican food and soy ice cream will not be the answer to your problems. instead, set some goals and work on achieving them.

such as...

your education. have you finished school by now? have you even gone BACK to school by now? truly, i am trying to work some of that out for you now so you don't have to worry about it, but come on - we both know us. it's a very real possibility that you are still working on that degree. if so, i am terribly sorry. that sucks for you. good luck.

also, how were those travels? you've gone on them, right? by now you better have been to at least one or more of the following: england, scottland, italy, iceland, greece or germany. new zealand would also be acceptable, as well as pretty much anywhere in south america. or, you know what, if nothing else, please be a well-seasoned traveler of canada.

there's no point in even assuming that you are more organized and fond of cleaning than i am, so all i am going to say is please do not let this letter find you as a person who's life resembles that of the people on hoarders. that is all.

i really have a hard time imagining that you are a mother by now, but stranger things have happened. remember everything you have learned as a nanny. remember the good and the not so good. remember that kids, while a joy and all that, are freaking a lot of work. TRUST ME, future me, i know what i am talking about. so, if you are still childless, take heart. when your ovaries/adoptive heartstrings are throbbing because all of your friends have babies all over the place, just remember that you still get to sleep through the night.

all the thirty years olds i know are pretty spectacular and none have i met has forgotten how to have fun and enjoy life. so maybe i shouldn't worry about you, but i know me, and i know that i am half-way to being a hermit. so i am telling you, and i couldn't be more serious here so listen, that you better be putting some ounce of effort into not being a total recluse. i am trying really really hard right now to be somewhat of a social being, so you are obligated to do the same. for reals, i am counting on you. don't let me down, future kalie.

i also hope that you are still doing the things that bring you joy; writing poetry, reading good written words, crocheting, painting, creating. are you? i know that sometimes it is really easy to fall into a funk and forget to do these things. i know that sometimes life gets really busy, or really heartbreaking,  and it can be easy to lose yourself. i hope you haven't lost your(our)self. that would be a shame. if upon reading this you realize that maybe that is you, then i dare you to pick up a paintbrush. scribble in a journal. make a scarf. something, just something. it will be good for your soul, i promise.

furthermore, i hope you have found contentment with yourself. not indifference or settling for less than, but true acceptance of you (us). of who you are, of who i am. forgiving yourself for the wrongs you've done, and being free of shame. of being free of (most of) your insecurities. maybe you have new ones by now, but the ones i have now in the present (your past)? yeah, i hope those have been conquered. you are loved, you are are valued, and your body is fine just the way it is.

are you still living out the important things a person can be? above beauty and vanity, are you loving and kind and compassionate? are you thoughtful, respectful, honest and sincere? are you selfless, giving? are you patient and merciful? are you humble? do you stand up in the face of injustice? do you speak out for and support equality among people? are you courageous and do the right thing, even when it is scary? i hope so. i know you aren't perfect, i don't ever expect you to be. i know you couldn't possibly be 100 percent of those things 100 percent of the time. but all those qualities? they are what i always hoped i would have. they are what i hope for now. they are what i strive for. i hope you are still doing the same. if so, you are a woman i am thankful and proud to be.

love, 24-year-old kalie.

p.s. i may be wrong to guess that technology in your day and age has not yet accomplished time travel, but if this is an incorrect assumption, then i ask you this: maybe help a sister out and consider visiting and warning me of any catastrophic events, bad relationships, unwise hair-cut decisions, and perhaps clue me in on some winning lottery numbers. i'm not even saying it has to be a really big lottery, even one of the smaller ones would be fine. thank you.

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