I don't know why this happens, but many times when I'm up late, my mind starts going a million miles an hour. It's as if when my body is winding down, my mind steals the fuel and runs off at a whole new speed. Sometimes it takes me forever to fall asleep, or even be motivated to go to bed, despite being exhausted. Not always-- in fact I am quite the granny in that I love going to bed and waking up early-- but certain nights, like tonight, I just have to stay up and think. So here I am.
At this time in my life, I am in the midst of some really big decisions, some personal trials, some family grief, and other life matters. I don't think this is bad; it is a part of life on this earth, and no person is exempt from them. I mean, it's hard, really really difficult sometimes...but we learn and grow from these processes. I will not get into details now, but rather focus on this train of thought that has been gnawing at me...
Does it occur to anyone else that there seems to be a constant, inherent struggle between who we are and who the world tells us to be? And furthermore, between who we are and who we want to be?
I believe that at one time or another, most people have felt this battle within themselves. I think this issue is found among people of all ages and backgrounds. We are on the constant pursuit to find acceptance and validation; but at what cost?
We (and when I say we, I most definitely also mean "I") are at times prisoners to this world and the mindset that we need to be a certain way to be respected, admired, and loved. It is then easy to focus on and expend all our time, energy, and heart on the mundane, rather than the things that create a lasting positive impact. It is easy to then focus on what will lift us up in the eyes of others, rather than what we can do to lift up others. It is then easy to focus on the control we want to exert, rather than the humbling of our will and spirit. It is really, really easy, to be thrown off track, and to lose ourselves.
I will keep this short tonight, although I believe it is a subject that deserves much time and thought. So I implore you to do just that-- think about it. I know I certainly need to. Who is the woman I was created to be, what characteristics would I display; what would that look like? Where do I put my trust and faith? Do I live to fulfill the expectations others put on me, or for the glory of God and the perfect plan He has for me?
When I am facing the trials and tribulations of this life, big or small, I need to be ready to stand firm, and know the answers to some of these questions. I don't have to have all the answers to everything now; but I need to be intentionally seeking those answers out. Even in the midst of my daily life, I need to know. And as for the personal... if I want love and acceptance (which of course I do!), then I must first love and accept; if I want respect, then I must give it; if I want to learn and grow, then I must relent the control I am constantly trying to enforce. Be the kind of person that you would want to know.
I think that gets out a great deal of my thinking for tonight, and it is definitely past my bed time. If you read through this, I hope it made sense...and thanks for reading. I just think it's important to step back and evaluate sometimes, you know? Maybe I can get to bed now...I hope you all have a wonderful night!
Your love never fails...
You make all things work together for my good.