Thursday, April 19

why i am not in the symphony right now.

as far back as i can remember, i have been an ambitious dreamer. well, to a certain point. let me explain. when i was eight and loved writing stories, i knew that one day i would be an author. and then when i was nine, and excelled at drawing, i decided i would be artist - maybe even a cartoonist! for disney, even! and then when i was ten and couldn't gobble up books about space fast enough, i realized i was meant to be an astronomer. then when i was twelve and taking dance classes, my tip-tappy, swirly feet were absolutely going to take me to stardom. then high school came along, and i was in band (clarinet, don't you know) and it was certain that i would eventually get a scholarship and play beautiful, classical music for ever and move symphony goers to tears. and then when i fell in love with ministry and younglife, my eyes were opened to my true destiny - a youth pastor. then that changed to psychologist. then social worker. then asl interpreter. and in between all of it, there were many many more dreams that i aspired to. but there were so many things i've decided to be, i can hardly keep track of them all. even now, in my early adulthood, in my hiatus from school, in all the uncertainty and doubt i face, i know that i haven't changed a bit. everything i discover, everything i learn, i want to be an absolute expert and professional. i want to pursue it for all time. but then, i change my mind again. the problem is not that i don't know what to do with my life; the problem is that i know too many things i want to do. 

there are times when i get down and discouraged thinking of my school credits just sitting there in files, amounting to nothing, and going nowhere fast. i want to be done. i want to be graduated. i want to be doing what i am most passionate about. the only hang up is that i do not know what that thing is. i am still one of those kids who thinks they will one day be a doctor AND a fireman AND a teacher AND a chef all at once. i am still like the confused, timid college freshman who marked "undecided" for my major. because, honestly, how am i supposed to be decided? those of you who have always known, without doubt, that you were going to be a veterinarian or whatever - well, you're lucky. 

today, a woman at the coffee shop asked me if being a nanny was my career. "not forever, but for now," i said. because it is, and it isn't. i do enjoy my job. i love k-bear. i am good at what i do, and make a fair living doing it. but it isn't my dream. it is a respectable and a good and a special job, but it is not what i want to do forever. i feel my chest tighten and anxiety take over when i think that i may have to pick something, one thing, to do forever. so i won't. not now. 

sigh. does anyone else ever feel this? i know things will fall into place, and i'll find my niche. in some ways it is quite freeing to know i have a myriad of options. maybe it isn't so bad to be like a kid with many dreams. i am not really looking for an answer here, but maybe i just needed to get it out. to find that maybe i am not the only one. 


  1. I understand. I feel this way too. Actually I feel so lost so near to graduation and I am supposed to be some one word that defines me. I have to chose it and be it. I am a ............! But what? Me, I guess. Whoever that will be in the future.

    And hey, I wanted to draw for disney when I was 5 too :)


    1. karolina, it really is confusing, isn't it? and scary. but you're right, you are you and i suppose that is what is really important right now! you don't want to settle for something or be something that you're just...not. if that makes sense. in finding what i want to DO, i certainly don't want to lose...myself. sigh.

      we dreamed big! kindred <3

  2. Aw, don't worry. Tons of us feel the same way. I know a lot of people who aren't immediately going after a certain degree because it's such a huge choice to make when your young! You're still changing so much even into your thirties, I don't understand how people can be expected to make such a difficult decision. To be honest, I have no idea what would make me happy, so I'm just doing what will hopefully give me a good quality of life.


if you want to, you can say a little hello here. i wouldn't mind it at all.


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